Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Noticing Things and New Rules

Zane continues to improve and we are all beginning to let go of the tension and breathe easier.  I have lots of time to set and think or watch what is happening. I am trying to 'be present in the moment'. Here are some of things I have seen.
     While I was in looking at Z this afternoon, Zach was giving him a small bottle. Zane was awake and alert and looking at me while he drank but his little hand was slowly rubbing back and forth on his father's arm.
     Earlier, when I first stepped into Zane's room today, he was not so alert (more drugs) and his little forehead was drawn down in pain, although his eyes were open. I spoke to him aloud and he burst into tears, not taking his eyes off mine.  I could do nothing to help him and he didn't understand why not. I felt like I was somehow letting him down and hated it.
    Able and I took a long walk this afternoon in Forest Park, which is just across Kings Highway from the hospital. We walked a long way, found some walking sticks and lay back on huge grey stones beside the water to watch the clouds go by.  It is very lovely here; spacious and alive. There were ducks, nearer the water, sunning themselves as well.
     People surprise me in their responses to what happens in Zane's room.  Zach is loathe to leave Zane; sitting in the room reading or napping.  He needs to be there.  I love to be there with Z, giving him love, courage and strength, but Zach needs to be there. This is his son, the only person he knows on earth with whom he is blood related. How must that feel?
     Friends keep showing up to see Audra. They are all nurses with whom she works and all seem to genuinely care about her and Zane.  They bring us things to eat, news and stories and laughter; good medicine.
     You should have a list of all the people you intended to write and call after the surgery.  I remember some of them at different times and discover that there are others whom I have completely forgotten to call. Please don't take it personally, it is the mind thing.  Having a loved one under anesthetic seems to numb our minds as well.
     When I am standing silently beside Zane's bed I find that I miss Danny intensely, because I know he would want to be here for this.  Sometimes I can feel his spirit in the room, loving and watching over this little boy whom he loved so much.  
     More rules we have added:
     1.   If you are going to freak out, get out.
     2.   Stay inside your own box in the waiting room.
     3.   Do not use the wash cloths in the hospital.
     4.   Never say out loud: Things are pretty quiet around here today.
     5.   Be very careful with chocolate chip cookies; you can overdose. It sneaks up on you.
    

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