I did it
unconsciously but I can now see that it was because I was so broken, so fragile
at the center or myself, that it was all I could manage, to get up, get dressed,
pay my bills, buy groceries and other very mundane things. Anything might set me off and the tears would
come and couldn’t be stopped; a song on the radio, a certain model of car
driving by, a tractor sitting in a field, driving by a school.
I never knew what
was going to trigger the crushing weight of sadness, regret, guilt , despair or
helplessness so I had to be very careful to hold all the broken pieces
together, gently, and one of the ways I did that was to avoid eye contact. I
also had to avoid things that were very beautiful. I couldn’t handle great
beauty, especially beautiful music or writing. It would instantly break me wide
open and leave me crumpled into a heap of sorrow.
Now that more than
three years have past, and I am much more solid and stable, I have begun to
work on looking people in the eyes again. It is more difficult than I thought
it would be, reestablishing the habit, but I like it.
1 comment:
I remember I couldn't stand anyone hugging me. I would crack at that point, it was easy to speak and say "I'm fine, really." But then if they tried to make physical contact I couldn't stay "firm." Now, I'm a hugger again.
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